My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
