My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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