god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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