Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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