I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
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