I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
