On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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