I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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