yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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