Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
