im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
