my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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