Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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