i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
