I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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