Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
