this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
