They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
