This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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