Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
