I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
