I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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