I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
