Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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