I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
