Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
