Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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