i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just gift wrapped bread.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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