Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
