a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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