i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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