Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
