I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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