you would pick up someone in the library
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
