Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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