Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
