I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
