I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
