if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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