Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
