I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
