So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
