so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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