I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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