Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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