just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize