Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
