I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
