If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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