I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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