Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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