Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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