I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
