she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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