$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think I won the penis lottery.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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