Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
