Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize