We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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