just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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