i would punch a child for taco bell
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
