Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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