I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
