this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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