forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Pants are for mortals
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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