he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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